Death in the Family

 On July 21, 2020 I was at Laguna Beach, the Montage, with Mom and Bri. Bri and I were about 50 yards out swimming around and talking, enjoying the water and the perfect weather that day. Mom was sitting on the sand like she always was, her metal knee made cold ocean water pretty painful to be in. Bri and I were flinging our arms about wildly, shouting at her trying to get her attention so we could say hi to her but she wasn’t looking at us. My vision is a -5/20 (basically terrible) and even with contacts in my vision still isn’t very good so I was having a really hard time trying to figure out what was occupying her. After a few minutes I gave up trying to see so I swam closer to shore so I could see what she was doing and she was on the phone. I, feeling the strongest urge to be nosy and bug her, get out of the water and walk up to where she is and stand there looking at her to try and figure out who she was talking to. After a minute goes by she says, “If you guys ever need anything please let us know but I’m also glad the kids were able to see him one last time, I know he was hanging on just so he could see them.” My heart sank and I suddenly wished I would have just minded my own freaking business. I kept a neutral face, waiting for the call to end but looking back I think it was because it hadn’t truly registered with me that he was gone yet. 

Mom hangs up the phone and I ask, “Grandpa died, didn’t he?” She only nodded at me before telling me not to tell my siblings yet and that she would when we got back home. A couple weeks went by and I still hadn’t cried, I didn’t think about it either. I was waiting for the funeral, I knew the reality would sink in there. Unknowingly to me at the time though I wasn’t going to be attending his funeral, I was going to be boarding a plane and moving across the country for college. I didn’t feel any which way about that news, just accepted it as fact and moved on. 

The day to move came and went, so did the following month and a half before I truly thought about it. I didn’t intend to think about it at that point in time though I just had the unfortunate luck of seeing a TikTok about the passing of a loved one watching over you and wanting you to know that they love you. It may sound silly that a strangers video about that made me react so strongly but it did and there’s nothing I can do about it now. 

I watched that video around 3 a.m., I was exhausted and overall I was not in a good mental state. I broke down almost immediately. I missed my Grandpa but I knew he was better off now. He was now free from all of the pain he had endured for so long. He was now able to be with his mom and sister who were killed by a train when he was a child, he could see his father who passed when he was a young teen, he could see his cousin and best friend (my grandma) who died just before I was born, he could see his daughter who passed from cancer two years earlier, he could see all his friends he lost fighting in WWII, and so much more. 

Knowing he was free didn’t make it easier once the realization struck. I wanted to show him how good of a shot I was and get some advice. I wasn’t and I’m still not a perfect shot by any stretch of the imagination but I am a decent one with an average of about 19/25. Since he was basically a perfect shot, shooting 24/25 on a bad day, I felt that was a perfect way to spend time with him and get to do something we both enjoyed. I wanted to hear more stories from him about silly things. I miss just sitting in silence with him. I miss him joking with me and telling me that my parents better buy me a Porshe for my first car because I deserved one even though we both knew I didn’t want one. What I miss the most though is sitting on the garage floor wrapped in a blanket, looking up at him in his chair and watching him smoke his cigars, a smile appearing every once in a while as I tell him all my life events. As strange as it may sound, I miss the smell of his cigars. The scent reminds me exclusively of him and not a thing or person else. 

These photos are the last two pictures I have of him. I took these the last time we saw each other before he passed. I knew he wasn’t going to hold out much longer after this day. He was sick and he had lived a long life and overall he was simply ready, he was just too tired to keep fighting. 

It is crazy though how things change. This is a photo of Grandpa from two years ago and even though that sounds like a long time it truly isn’t. In two years I basically watched him lose all sense of himself before passing away. 

When we went to see him I was pretty nervous. Covid is still around and I was coming in contact with loads of new people everyday because of work. I knew he was already sick at the time but I was afraid I could potentially make him more sick. I hadn’t tested positive before or showed any symptoms but I’m much younger and healthier. When we got there I stayed decently far away from him for a while, just wanting to ensure I wasn’t a threat to his already shaky body. After a little while though I moved closer to him, realizing nothing I did once I got there could prevent him from getting Covid if I had it and truth be told he wasn’t going to live long enough for Covid to do any real damage if he got it. It hurt to think about I’ll admit but at the same time I’m glad I knew that and got the chance to sit next to him and hold his hand. We didn’t stay long, maybe half an hour. He had reached the point where he was sleeping most of the day so he wasn’t in so much pain and even just talking to the family for a few minutes drained him more than he cared to admit.